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[cue scene - the Cowardly Lion in the Wizard of Oz getting a panic attack walking into the Wizard’s foyer] “Wait a minute, Fellows. I was just thinking. I really don’t want to see the Wizard that much. I’d better wait for you outside.”
Oh Cowardly Lion, how I can so relate to you (and not just because I was once you in a dance recital.)
There are so many things in my life in which courage is no issue. (Change - I love change! Travel anxiety - never once experienced it. Fear of flying - nope, not at all.)
But lord help me, put me near an edge of a cliff or on a roller coaster and I instantly become the cowardly lion. (A little ironic since I’ve spent more than half my life living in or near mountains and several years as a Disney passholder!)
On more than one occasion, I’ve said, “I don’t really want to see/or ride (X). I’ll just wait for you guys over here.”
There have been many Disney days that I’ve spent half the day sitting, holding everyone else’s stuff as the kids and my husband enjoy the thrill rides.
There have been a few roller coasters that I’ve gone on, but practically broken my husband’s hand as if that would save me from the imminent doom my brain was envisioning.
And as my kids would tell you, I dropped a lot of f-bombs on a kids’ coaster in Disney France!!
A few times, I’ve even managed to ruin the experience for my entire family with my cowardness.
Once, we made it almost to the end of the Delicate Arch hike in Arches National Park. But, I saw a ledge, freaked out, and insisted it was unsafe and refused to let my husband continue on with our tweens. (Boy did they resent me for that!!)
Recently at the Grand Canyon, we were all set to star gaze in the park until I heard an animal and freaked out and made everyone pack up and get to the car. After a few jokes at my expense, I completely lost it. I couldn’t put into words why, but later I realized I was embarrassed by my old age cowardice.
When I was in my 20s I did a lot more adventurous stuff with only panicking a little bit! My kids don’t believe it and since it was pre-social media — and internet in general - I don’t have proof, but I did ziplining and repelling in Costa Rica; went on a midnight hike up a volcano also in Costa Rica; and went white water rafter several times!
As I sat on the cold, hard stairs of our hotel building, hiding from my family and crying uncontrollably after denying everyone the cool experience of star gazing at the Grand Canyon, I realized that I HATE that I miss out on - and cause my family to miss out on - some really cool things.
I hate that, like the Cowardly Lion, I frequently say that I don’t want to do something (when I really do) and that I’ll wait outside (which always feels so lonely).
Like the Wizard of Oz tells the Cowardly Lion, the courage is within me and does come out sometimes.
A few years after that experience at Delicate Arch, we returned and I was damned and determined to complete the whole thing. With my husband holding my hand and patiently waiting the few times I got nervous, we made it to the end and I saw all the amazingness I’d missed the first time.
There’s a couple coasters I will ride at Disney World. I have to psyche myself up by telling myself that it’s fun and I like it throughout the whole line (and my family knows not to talk to me in line!!)
But, my most proud moment of overcoming my internal Cowardly Lion came in Florence, Italy in 2017.
I booked a small group tour for my husband and I to climb to the top of the Florence Duomo. My husband - the structural engineer was giddy at this, but also completely shocked that I booked it. I think both of us silently thought I’d chicken out at the last minute…that I’d come up with a reason to wait outside.
I don’t know if it’s because I spent a lot of money on that tour; or because I knew it was probably a once in a lifetime experience; or because I knew how happy it would make my husband to do this tour with me (likely some combination of all of the above) - but I did the tour with no hesitation — and only freaked out a couple of times!
And let me just tell you - getting to the very top of the Duomo, looking out at the views, I was so elated that I made it and so grateful for the courage I mustered up to have this amazing adventure!
I wish I could say that I’ll never again sit out something fun or stop my family from doing something because I don’t have the courage to do it. (I think everyone has a bit of the Cowardly Lion in them - it just presents itself differently for each of us.)
My lack of courage, no matter how irrational it may be at times, seems to only be getting worse with age.
But, I am committed to live a life full of adventure and exploration.
So I will continue to try to push through my fears and find my internal courage….even if it means breaking a few bones in my husband’s hand along the way!